


all the grace of a reversing dump truck without any tyres on

by 126916912



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Come Dine With Me - Freeform, Dinner Party, Gen, Getting Together, Reality TV references, disaster night, not-so-ambiguous relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:08:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29778687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/126916912/pseuds/126916912
Summary: After successfully fulfilling a lifelong dream and being accepted as a contestant on dinner party game show Come Dine with Me, Sangyeon doesn't want to take any chances. He decides to do a trial run with a few friends though things don't exactly go to plan.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Sangyeon
Kudos: 11





	all the grace of a reversing dump truck without any tyres on

**Author's Note:**

> title is of course from the greatest scene in come dine with me history

Practicing is always a good idea and after finally being called by the producers for _Come Dine with Me_ , Sangyeon isn't going to take a risk by not rehearsing the evening he has planned to perfection. If Sangyeon hadn't thought to practice he wouldn't have been able to practice masking his disappointment when a stand-in guest entirely eschews the dress-code. 

"You don't look beach-ready," Sangyeon says to Ha Sooyoung as she clops into his flat in combat boots and an outfit that can be best described as military-lite. She looks good but the theme was 'tropical beach' and Sangyeon doubts that even Sooyoung would dress like this at the beach. 

Jaehyun rolls his eyes as he shuffles inside behind Sooyoung and he greets Sangyeon with a quick squeeze of his shoulder and presses a six-pack of canned virgin piña coladas into his arms. 

"Thank you," Sangyeon says he isn't too sure that Jaehyun's uninspired T-shirt and shorts combo is a true adherence to the dress code but he supposes the flip-flops which get swapped for slippers once Jaehyun is past the threshold after Sooyoung really sell the ensemble. 

With the last guests settled down, Sangyeon is anxious to get everyone seated and ready for the first course. 

Chaekyung smiles awkwardly around the table set out in the back garden before turning to Sangyeon. "Shouldn't the host sit at the head of the table?" 

"There's no need to be so formal about things," Sangyeon laughs because he can't bear to admit why he is sitting at the far end of the table, beside Chaekyung and opposite Hyunjun, instead of at the head of the table where he intended to sit. He had seen Sooyoung leaning over his chair to inspect the centrepiece of a coconut adorned with drink skewers and he decided to be magnanimous and let her stand and sit wherever she pleased. 

It turned out to be a wasted effort to beg the miserable couple who live on the ground floor to allow him to reserve the communal garden for his dinner party. If he can't even stand up to Sooyoung he doubts he can guarantee he can get through the filming for _Come Dine with Me_ without something going wrong. Sangyeon’s miserable downstairs neighbours are sitting on the sun-loungers Sangyeon bought, dipping their toes in the paddling pool and generally encroaching on the dinner party. Wonderful. 

Forget _Come Dine with Me_ , Sangyeon doubts he could make it through living here for much longer after Jaehyun saw Sangyeon’s neighbours toss the inflatable flamingo away from the paddling pool and he tried to tell them off for it. 

Sangyeon’s dreams are too stressful and he certainly isn't going to thank his friends for exacerbating that. 

"Are there options for the starter?" Jaehyun asks as he prods at his prawn cocktail. Making these had been more difficult than Sangyeon had expected so a comment like this is totally unappreciated. 

"What's wrong with yours?" Sangyeon asks blandly. 

"Nothing," Jaehyun frowns. "I just didn't know you liked prawns. 

"I don't."

Sooyoung snorts into her own half-finished prawn cocktail but it only bothers Sangyeon because she is the loudest. Chaekyung and Hyunjun are quietly laughing too. Jaehyun only looks confused. 

"You can't give your guests something that you don't like yourself. They're going to think there is something wrong with it and you'll lose. You have to do something else. Fruit salad or something. What's more tropical than pineapple, and mango, and peaches, and… strawberries?" 

"Oh that's a good idea! I wish we were eating fruit salads right now," Chaekyung says wistfully. 

It isn't helpful at all. But then Hyunjun says, "Do you have any fruit?" and Sangyeon must do whatever he can to make Hyunjun’s wishes come true. 

Jaehyun offers to help, which Sangyeon is surprised about until he considers how easily Hyunjun can twist both of them to his whims. 

"You need to calm down," Jaehyun says, weighing up tinned peaches and canned lychees in his hands while Sangyeon reaches into his fridge to dig out all the fruits he can find. 

"What do you mean?" 

"You're going to do great when you're on the programme. From the episodes I have seen, I really don't think that half of the contestants do trial runs like this."

"I want to win," Sangyeon points out. "And I would already have done something stupid if you hadn't been here to tell me I did something stupid." 

Sangyeon dumps his armfuls of half-empty fruit punnets on the counter and Jaehyun approaches to cup Sangyeon’s face in his hands. His smile looks certain but Sangyeon only feels his nerves spike. This isn't helping him to calm down and think objectively of the dinner party. This is a confusing waste of time and Sangyeon isn't sure what he has missed for Jaehyun to think this is a normal thing to do right now. 

"You're going to do brilliantly," Jaehyun says. "You won't need my advice for the main or the dessert, will you?" 

Sangyeon shakes his head, unfortunately constricted within Jaehyun's hands. "Barbecue. And then tomato bingsu."

"Didn't you want to invite Juyeon, or Kevin? Kevin is good at everything, he'd be able to help you."

"No. I did invite them both but they were busy. So I had to invite you."

Jaehyun laughs and squeezes Sangyeon’s cheeks together. "You're so annoying. Let me fight you after this."

"I want to fight you now though. Did you not say anything to your Sooyoung when you saw what she was wearing? Tropical beach. She'd die if she wore that to a tropical beach."

Jaehyun chuckles, fond, and he slides his hands down to Sangyeon’s shoulders. 

"I did say something but we were already running late. And there's a chance some awful person will try to ruin your night by not following the theme."

"So you admit it? Sooyoung is ruining my night."

"Stupid," Jaehyun grins as he turns away to dig through one of the drawers for a can-opener. 

Sangyeon doesn't understand what happened in that moment but they make quick work of chopping fruit though not much care is taken when arranging the fruit into bowls. Taking the fruit salads down the stairs to the back garden is a challenge but they make it to the table. 

"Can I have a fork?" Hyunjun asks. 

Jaehyun dashes off before Sangyeon can even react and he returns, huffing and puffing, with all of Sangyeon’s cutlery shoved into a cup that he drops onto the table. 

The fruit salads go down well and Sangyeon manages to relax whilst everybody else eats their starters. He has a barbecue to fire up and that turns out to be the hard part, not perfecting the recipe for the marinade as he had first thought. Whilst Sangyeon is suffering from smoke inhalation he is thankful that Jaehyun is taking care of stacking away the dishes and serving out the drinks. Despite Sooyoung's somber demeanour, she even joins in with the cheers of 'lemon soju, tequila for me, mojito for you' each time Jaehyun asks for drinks orders. 

The evening is going well enough, though Sangyeon needs to remind himself that Jaehyun isn't going to be around to offer assistance when Sangyeon films for _Come Dine with Me._

Sangyeon realises that his main course needs some reconsideration when he is back in the kitchen, running his forearm under the cold tap whilst Chaekyung grazes on crackers. Jaehyun is kind enough to take over barbecuing duties and save the guests (and apparently Sangyeon's miserable downstairs neighbours) from certain starvation but this is just another branch of disaster. 

"Just wear long sleeves next time," Chaekyung suggests. 

"Please, get off the counter," Sangyeon says. "It's not hygienic for you to sit on a food preparation area."

"What are you saying about my bum?" 

"Nothing!" Sangyeon groans. "Just put it somewhere that I won't need to mention it at all. How long have I been under the tap? Has it been ten minutes yet?" 

"I'm not sure. What time was it when we came up here?" 

Sangyeon groans and knocks his head against the sink. Today is a disaster. His arm is red and his skin is prickling minutely but they must have been here for ten minutes already. When they get back to the dinner party, Jaehyun hurries over to inspect Sangyeon’s arm. 

"This doesn't look too bad. No more cooking for you today. I have grilled almost everything anyway," Jaehyun says. 

"Thank you. Do you have any suggestions for what I should make instead?" 

Jaehyun shakes his head. "Just be careful. Please." 

Sangyeon rolls his eyes. It isn't quite the advice he'd hoped for but Jaehyun has done a good job salvaging everything. The meat which Hyunjun is carefully feeding Sangyeon is tender and the flavours from the recipes borrowed from Juyeon and Kevin are overwhelmingly delicious. 

"There's two different types of seasoning, right?" Sooyoung says whilst Jaehyun is taking plates over to Sangyeon’s awful neighbours at the sun loungers. "Which one is which? Jaehyun said you asked two of your friends for recipes. Won't they want to know whose recipe was better?" 

"I don't know about that. I should have labelled them."

"They're both equally tasty," Hyunjun says. 

"Your friends should have a cook-off and I can be the judge," Chaekyung suggests. "It would taste even better if I wasn't wondering if any of this has been seasoned with your singed flesh." 

Sooyoung makes a heaving sound but she shoves more meat in her mouth in a scant perilla leaf parcel. 

"Did you make this pickled radish?" Chaekyung asks as she pokes at it cautiously. 

"No, I bought it."

"Oh good. You made kimchi though? It looks very watery. You should buy some next time and pretend you made it."

"I didn't make this." 

"You must have done something wrong," Sooyoung says. "It looks awful. You shouldn't have served this in the first place."

"That's mean," Hyunjun whines. "Don't listen to them, this meal is perfect. But I don't even think you need to bring out so many side dishes." 

The message is clear enough. Sangyeon squeezes Hyunjun’s wrist. It is something like honesty whilst being very cautious of his feelings so the care is appreciated. Sangyeon can take the criticism as Jaehyun returns to take his seat between Hyunjun and Sooyoung. 

"We should swap," Sangyeon suggests. "You should film for _Come Dine with Me_ and I can watch it on the telly and laugh at your assigned character assassination." 

"Stop it. You're going to do great. But may I offer some advice on the menu for the main course?" 

"You may not," Sangyeon says tightly. "Maybe tomorrow. I can't take all this feedback at once."

Jaehyun looks sympathetic but Sangyeon should be listening to what he has to say. The guests are all here for a reason: Jaehyun to offer critique; Chaekyung to offer emotional support; Hyunjun to offer unerring support when Chaekyung inevitably changes her mind about offering support; Sooyoung to… Well Sooyoung isn't the Sooyoung Sangyeon had wanted to invite. Park Sooyoung (who had sent Sangyeon a picture of her wearing a green and white cheesecloth dress as an outfit option upon hearing of the theme) couldn't come because a very sudden and important opportunity arose so there was an invitation open. And Ha Sooyoung was apparently the only person available. She must have a purpose too. Probably to ensure Sangyeon remains terrified and stressed throughout the night. 

Sooyoung certainly wants to live up to her role. She says, "What do you think your character assassination will be like?" 

"I hadn't thought that far ahead."

"I wonder what would happen if you were on the show, Sooyoung," Chaekyung muses. "You're so scary and intimidating, maybe the producers would be afraid of making you seem any sort of way."

"I'm not an idiot, I would have crafted a television persona."

"What would she be like?" Chaekyung insists. 

"Very kind," Sooyoung says. "Helpful. An insufferable suck-up. Watching Jaehyun here actually made me change my mind about the concept I would pick. Before I was thinking something crazy like an outrageous flirt."

"Could we still see it? The flirt?" Chaekyung wheedles. 

Sooyoung smirks. "No."

Chaekyung huffs and stuffs her mouth full before looking at Sangyeon. "What are you going to do?" 

"I don't know."

"I think the producers pick your personality for you," Jaehyun says. "You shouldn't worry about things like that."

Sangyeon tries not to worry but he is less certain about taking advice from someone who was called an insufferable suck-up only a moment ago. 

Sangyeon’s living room is where most of the decorative efforts went. The walls are adorned with glitter streamers, metallic helium balloons spell out ' _Come Dine with Me'_ across the wall above his sofa, and colourful little disco lights have been positioned around the room to help with the ambience. 

Sangyeon spies Sooyoung's lips stretching into a smile and he can breathe a sigh of relief. Chaekyung makes a beeline for the karaoke machine set up beside the television and searches out a song to get them all warmed up. Jaehyun says something to Hyunjun and nudges him in the direction of Chaekyung before taking Sangyeon by the wrist and leading him into the cramped little corridor. 

"This is cute. Do you want to do a song together?" 

"What sort of song?" 

Jaehyun shrugs. "One of our usuals?" 

"Why did you bring me out here just to ask me this?" Sangyeon asks. 

Jaehyun flinches as the karaoke machine bursts into life, beginning with an unfortunate and unbeachy classic; tears. He grins and leans against the wall. "I don't know. I wanted to have a moment with you just to check that you were happy with how the night is going."

"I'm fine," Sangyeon says. He doesn't quite feel like that really is the case right now that he has been asked. He shakes his head. "Will I be able to do this without you?" 

"Absolutely," Jaehyun says. "You just needed to get all the bad stuff out of the way now. If not, I can stay up and come over after the filming crew have left and you can vent to me."

It is a strangely kind offer. 

"What's the catch?" Sangyeon asks. 

"There's no catch. I just want to be here for you however I can." 

Sangyeon hopes he won't need to take Jaehyun up on the offer, and he assumes that is why Jaehyun said anything in the first place, but he draws Jaehyun close for a brief embrace, the wordless gratitude he isn't sure he can show in any other way. But hugging Jaehyun is strange even with a reason like thanks. 

"You're not planning on giving the producers any ideas for how to edit me, are you?" 

Jaehyun's laugh puffs warmly against Sangyeon’s ear and he says, "I don't think they'll need my help to come up with 'malfunctioning gay twat'." 

"Wonderful. Do you think that's what they'll do to me?"

"Absolutely. You've seen the show. Any guy who talks a bit funny and either knows his way around a kitchen, or has a meltdown gets given that character."

"I can't wait," Sangyeon says. 

Jaehyun draws away, hands lingering at Sangyeon’s sides as he smiles. "I reckon even if they give you a character like that, people will be clamouring for you. You'll have to disappoint so many people who are swooning over you on Twitter when you tell everyone you couldn't have won without the help of your close, personal friend Jaehyun."

"You want me to name you in my winning speech?" Sangyeon clarifies. Jaehyun nods. "I'll do it, but only because I know I won't win."

Jaehyun laughs and leans against the wall. He grins as he looks askance at Sangyeon. Certainty and fondness. "You'll win. If you don't then the programme is rigged." 

"I won't have you here with me though," Sangyeon admits. 

"Hide me in your bedroom. I'll help you."

"The other contestants would find you when they rifle through all my belongings to help the editors with their character assassination," Sangyeon points out. "I would get kicked off the show for cheating."

"Even better," Jaehyun says. "I could stake my claim on the air."

Sangyeon hesitates. Things are different with other people around. Sangyeon doesn't feel as though he can be brave and reach out for the touches he collects in his memory. 

He hasn't been sure about Jaehyun since the singular date they went on a little over a month ago. It was too weird, that's why Sangyeon assumes so they didn't bother seeing each other like that again. Appearing on television is apparently perfect to make Sangyeon interesting enough for Jaehyun to forget about whatever weirdness arose last time. 

"Talking about staking your claim so much," Sangyeon mutters, eyes slipping away from anything close to contact. "I don't understand."

"Once all this is over, I'm hoping we could finally get that second date." 

"So you still want…"

"You've been busy lately," Jaehyun says. "I didn't want to put the pressure on you, but today it is looking like I could be the person to take the pressure off. So maybe you might be more open to considering me seriously. As a lover."

Sangyeon can't help the snort that erupts out of him. Jaehyun bristles even as Sangyeon tries to sweep that reaction aside with apologies. 

"I'm not laughing at you," Sangyeon promises as he folds his smile behind his lips. "You surprised me, that's all. Talking about lovers all of a sudden is embarrassing. I'm going to be on TV. I thought that was what we were talking about."

Jaehyun nods curtly and straightens up. "You're right. I'm being weird."

"I'm just surprised," Sangyeon insists. "I can think of you as a lover. Can we use a different word for it though?" 

"Is there a word you won't laugh at?" Jaehyun asks. 

There probably isn't. Sangyeon is a slave to his reactions and a subject like lovers is oddly titillating. They could be lovers, linked romantically, cracking on with each other, coupled up, doing bits, linking up. They could be perfect on paper, perfect in practice. It occurs to Sangyeon that he has been so focused on _Come Dine with Me_ that he hadn't noticed all of Jaehyun’s grafting. Other reality television programmes could have helped him out there. 

"I'm not laughing at… us. Being lovers," Sangyeon says as carefully as he can. Mirth slips through the gaps between his teeth when he talks, though he hopes that won't count against him. "I am just surprised. You just called me a malfunctioning gay twat."

"I didn't mean it in a bad way." 

There is no good way to mean it as far as Sangyeon is concerned but he finds he doesn't care too deeply. He can't stop smiling even though he knows his television debut can't possibly surpass this rehearsal.

"What would you have done if I applied for _Dinner Date_ instead?" 

Jaehyun shrugs. "I would have broken in and sabotaged the date. The production would have to be stopped and I would ruin the shoot. And instead of asking me out on a second date you'd never talk to me again."

Sangyeon grins. That is likely how things would have gone. 

"I'm glad that I didn't sign up for a dating show."

"I don't know," Jaehyun muses, " _Ex on the Beach_ would have been a shout. A free holiday in the sun? We could be on a real tropical beach together."

Sangyeon grins. "You're not my ex though."

"We've been on one date," Jaehyun asserts, "That is far more of a qualification than some of the contestants I have seen. You should consider it for next time."

This time, when Sangyeon laughs, Jaehyun smiles along, a tiny glimmer of hope emerging from behind scarce blinks. 

Sangyeon is right about to ask when Hyunjun bursts into the hallway and frowns at the two of them. Sangyeon closes his mouth and offers a smile which is careful of masking the disappointment of Hyunjun’s timing. 

"What's up, baby?" 

"The girls are hogging the karaoke. Can you come and make them give me a go?" 

Jaehyun draws Hyunjun close with a fond smile. "We'll tell them off for you, I promise."

Hyunjun grins and huddles into Jaehyun's chest, squeezing his eyes shut with the kisses dropped over his face. 

"Are you going to tell people off for Sangyeon on the real night?" Hyunjun asks. 

"That's my plan," Jaehyun says. 

"You really can't be here for filming," Sangyeon points out. 

"That's fine too," Jaehyun says, patting Hyunjun’s head. "If they can't see me on the night you can lie to them about how hench and scary I am so they do as you say. Your scary boyfriend will be waiting for them when they're on the way to the cab to cast their votes. You'll be getting straight tens."

"Boyfriend?" Hyunjun asks, eyes narrowed at Sangyeon. That isn't fair, Hyunjun is just as close to Jaehyun as he is to Sangyeon. There is no reason for any secrets kept to be blamed on only one of them. There aren't even any secrets to keep. 

That isn't quite right. The date had been a secret because they didn't want to make a fuss of things but Jaehyun using words like 'lovers' or 'boyfriend' certainly makes Sangyeon look guilty of keeping secrets from Hyunjun. 

"He's just being annoying," Sangyeon says quickly. "We're discussing things. We are having meetings to decide."

"Do you mean dates?" 

Sangyeon flusters, not sure what he is supposed to say when Jaehyun is merrily confirming as much to Hyunjun. Of course. Dates. That is what Sangyeon would also call them if he weren't so intent on pretending the idea isn't thrilling. 

Tonight has ended up far better than expected. Things have gone wrong at every turn but losing isn't the end of the world. 

"We can call them meetings," Jaehyun allows. 

Meetings will be good. Sangyeon would love meetings without even the possibility of being voted off or given a bad rating for all the world to see, or whatever happens during an episode of _First Dates_. 

Instead of telling off the girls so Hyunjun can sing a song, Jaehyun wrestles the microphone from Sooyoung and tells everyone to face the far wall as he chooses his song. 

"Hey," Chaekyung whispers as they perch on the sofa facing the silver streamers on the wall. She reaches her hand to squeeze Sangyeon’s knee. "Were you fighting out there? We tried to keep Hyunjun in here just in case."

"Why would we be fighting?" 

"Because Jaehyun is taking over your night," Chaekyung says. 

Sangyeon shakes his head. The first notes of Jaehyun’s chosen song blast through the living room and Sangyeon turns to look at him. 

"Don't look at me, you're cheating!" Jaehyun insists. 

"It's not cheating," Sangyeon says, making himself comfortable sitting the right way around. "I already know I want you on my team." 

Jaehyun shrieks with laughter, missing the beginning of the song as Sooyoung leaps to her feet and tackles him to the floor. 

"Don't laugh into the microphone, you shrill witch!" 

Surprisingly (or not), Sooyoung's tickling attempts don't help matters because Jaehyun continues cackling and squealing into the microphone. The sound is earsplitting and Sangyeon, Chaekyung, and Hyunjun watch on with their hands clamped over their ears. 

"He's definitely taking over your dinner party," Chaekyung grumbles, knocking into Sangyeon with her elbow. 

"Maybe," Sangyeon allows, "but you know what they say, ' _no likey, no lighty._ '" 

Chaekyung huffs and stomps across the room. She slams her hand over the light switch, making Jaehyun scream at the sudden dark, and scowls in the light of the karaoke lyrics on the television screen. Chaekyung turns the ceiling light on again. Then off again. Then on and off rapidly and Sangyeon begins to worry about the bulb. 

"Stop trying to burst my eardrums!" She shouts. 

Sangyeon’s grumpy downstairs neighbours start banging on their ceiling as Jaehyun screams some more. Hyunjun curls up in Sangyeon’s lap and pulls Sangyeon’s hands to help seal the sound away from his ears. He's cute. Sangyeon drops a kiss on the crown of Hyunjun’s head. 

He doubts his night on _Come Dine with Me_ will even go this well, and that is fine because he has something to look forward to anyway. He might not end up going to Fernando's but he thinks he has found his perfect match all the same. 

Just as expected, Sangyeon comes dead last out of the five contestants on his competition week. After the results have been announced, Sangyeon gets his own taxi home, and wonders whether Jaehyun was serious when he mentioned waiting up. 

He is still awake, responding to Sangyeon’s messages with gifs and stickers. Losing doesn't feel quite so bad. 

The taxi driver takes him to Jaehyun's flat and after all the text messages telling Sangyeon to come over he looks gobsmacked when he opens the front door. 

"You're really here?" 

"I told you I was coming. You said it was cool and you have chicken." 

Jaehyun nods. "I know, I just didn't think you'd come. I thought you were going to sleep first. You can come in. Ignore the mess." 

The mess isn't Sangyeon’s priority, though he is curious as to what Jaehyun had been doing all night. It looks like a TK Maxx half an hour before closing and all the clutter is putting a damper on his plans. 

"Are you ready for our second date?" 

Jaehyun nods as he clears a space on the sofa. "Sit down. When are you thinking? There's a nice place I had actually been thinking of."

"Can we have the date now?" 

Jaehyun laughs, glancing around his pigsty of a flat. "You're really the worst, you know that?" 

"I got last place tonight, so I can safely say I am aware."

Jaehyun boggles. "I thought you were joking. The text made it look like you were joking. Didn't you tell the other contestants about your big scary boyfriend who would come after them if you didn't get a good score?" 

Sangyeon smiles and forages through the cluttered clothes for the box of half and half chicken. "I couldn't lie to them like that. Besides. You're not my boyfriend. And you're not scary either."

"We can change at least one of those things," Jaehyun reasons. He's right. They really could change one of those things. 

"You want to be my boyfriend but our second date is like this?" 

Jaehyun shoves Sangyeon’s shoulder, making him drop his chicken and stain his trouser with oil. He doesn't apologise and instead says, "You're the one who decided this should be our first date on your own."

"Yeah? You should come up with a better date quickly." 

"You should buy another belt because I am going to wow the pants off you."

Sangyeon needs to laugh a bit less seeing as it presents risks such as getting chicken up his nose, but it is nice to know even that doesn't put Jaehyun off. Being a loser really isn't so different to winning. He is looking forward to seeing what Jaehyun thinks of. 


End file.
